Questions I would like to ask the gays…

As a self-proclaimed hetero, I, like most of you have often wondered what makes the common homosexual tick. Here are some questions I would ask them were I brave enough and impervious to pain. Of course none of it is meant with a mean spirit, just my child-like curiosity.

1. Why?
2.When did you decide that unlike most of your peers, you would like to have things inserted into your anus?
3. Does the smell of poo get you excited?
4. Do boobies gross you out?
5. Do you ever pleasure yourself in front of a mirror?
6. Does the sight of a big wiener frighten you because it will be painful and cause worse bowel control?
7. What’s a guy got to do to get a reach-around here?
8. Do moustaches really stick together like Velcro?
9. Did you realise you were gay before or after you started speaking and walking funny?
10. Do you truly find people who speak funny and walk effeminately attractive and not creepy like everyone else?
11. How do you decide who’s the pitcher and who’s the catcher on a given night?
12. Do you ever think you want to change you mind and un-gay?
13. As marriage is often thought of as a religious contract, and most religions shun gayness, why would you want to enter into such a union in the first place?
14. If someone does some gay sex things while drunk, are they gay?
15. If someone says they are only attracted their own gender but do not or have not had sex with one of their own gender are they gay yet?
16. How do you "clean the pipes" after bum love without making a big mess?
17. If two guys are taking turns gaying each other, does the one who doesn't finish first get a bum deal?

But I can’t ever ask these questions because none of the gays I know want to open up about such important things (despite putting their sexuality out on display), so I guess I’ll be stuck with my curiosity…unless…

18. If “someone” pretended to be gay to find out the rituals, would you realise they are not really gay right away?

Angelina Jolie sans boobies?

Now I may be an uptight Englishman, but the idea of Angelina Jolie without boobs makes me think: What's the point?

Perhaps I should back up a bit...

Earlier in the light-month it became publicly known that the woman with the coveted lips, and rack-to-die-for had undergone this surgery thingy as a precautionary measure against breast cancer. In fact HERE is an article she wrote herself about the whole thingy.

Now this whole thing, very possibly makes me hate cancer more than ever.

I'm sure that IF Brad Pitt can deal with life beyond breasts, he'll come to hate it too.  Then again, we are talking about a guy who dumped Jennifer Aniston for a younger hotter "model", who he might think is quickly turning out to be a lemon.  But I still would.

So I suppose it's safe to say she won't be making GIA 2: The Lesbianing any time soon, in fact we've likely seen the end of the token topless scenes in her films, which may translate to the last of her films period.

One must admire Angelina for making such a personal thing public as a way to help other ladies feel more secure in making the same choice... maybe if Brad Pitt tells us all about his colonoscopy, men who are queasy about the idea of getting a foreign finger up the bum would be less squeamish too.

Still, what I find odd is that as if having that kind of embarrassing and personal procedure made public weren't humiliating enough, an artist decided to make topless a painting of Angelina sans-boobs... or at least sans-nipples. So I return to my original question: What is the point?

Is this insensitive? Perhaps, but her well-formed, nippled breasts were a big part of the reason anyone enjoyed seeing her naked in the first place.

Ode to my wet sock

Oh, that you will get out of my pants.

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Why there are so many idiots in the universe

I think it is a common belief amongst most human beings that very few of the people around us have equal or greater intelligence than ourselves.  This is probably something that is built in since infancy as some sort of instinct, perhaps to let us know in times of danger that we shouldn't listen to anyone else as we generally know what's in our own best interest.

It is an interesting thing though, I think that most animals have this line of thinking even if they don't know they do, have you ever tried to convince a fish of something? It's a waste of time.

So my answer to why there are so many idiots in the universe: because we all think we know more than anyone else, making us essentially a society of idiots.

When murder-suicides go wrong.

I read today about a man in a nearby village who botched his own suicide after attempting to murder his wife. I wonder what it must be like that he must now live on knowing he is so inept that he's incapable of successfully completing the simplest of tasks,  one that even small children are capable of... dying.

I suppose it is a good thing that such an inept person will be incarcerated and no longer be part of society, if for no other reason than the fact that he is of no use to anybody. The fact that he clearly has violent and anti-social tendencies is only a secondary advantage.

But the sad truth is that our society is filled with people who are no use to anyone, and are even bad for themselves, yet they are free to roam around being irritating, bothersome and generally inconsiderate on a daily basis. These people seem to get a high out of being environmentally destructive, offensive to the senses and even take joy in causing physical damage to other people as well as themselves.

The biggest difference between the moron psycho who's in jail and the people I just spoke of is that the psycho only attacked one person (two if you count himself) where as larger group is slowly killing people by the hundreds.

So when will we finally call smokers what they are: murderers?